I love fall. I really do. I’ve written before about it being the best time for resolutions as opposed to the beginning of the year. The change in the air, the cool, brisk mornings… sweater weather; it all combines to make for a lovely time of reflection.
But for this year.
This year… the season started with news of a friend’s sudden passing. I learned of her passing as I was preparing to go say goodbye to my father. He was dying and the family said we needed to come home. I made it home and was there to say goodbye and cried as he breathed his last breath. He was 92. He’d lived a pretty amazing life. I didn’t want to say goodbye, but I knew he was ready. He told us he didn’t want to do this anymore, this being the hospital, the just… getting old… He was 92. We understood and we let him go.
My heart hurts.
My friend’s passing was sudden, a surprise to all who knew her. It was an insult to the injury I was already dealing with letting go of my father. She was wrenched from us so suddenly, in her sleep, a cardiac failure. It was an easy passing for her, which I have to admit was good. It was brutal for the rest of us, though.
My heart hurts.
And then…I learned this past weekend that a friend lost his battle with cancer. He was diagnosed in January with stage four colon and liver cancer. He fought hard to beat this disease, but… He was 46.
My heart is broken.
It has been a season of grief these past few weeks, months. I admit, I vacillate between anger, sadness, grief, bitterness, interspersed with brief moments of joy. I tell myself that I am glad that my friends and my father are now free of pain, that they are at rest. I do praise God for His mercy on many levels.
My friend, Ellie, is free of pain. She finished this marathon. Like me, she was a long distance athlete and she is now free to really run. My father is now free to roam the mountains that he loved. He had even told us toward the end that we would see him one day in the mountains. My friend, David, is now free of that cursed cancer, probably playing the guitar he loved with gusto. I am glad they are at rest and I thank God.
At the same time, I am heartbroken for my friend’s husband that is now left to pick up pieces of his life that were shattered by her passing. At the same time, I am grief-stricken as I’m now discovering life (if you want to call it that) without the man who was always there… And at the same time I am furious that my other friend’s young daughter faces life growing up without her daddy, the man she adored.
And I am numb. And maybe that’s a good thing right now. Systems are on hibernate or sleep mode to conserve energy, helping this battered heart to heal. And I know it will heal. I know there are more tomorrows. Joy will come in the morning… Right now, though… there is weeping.
To everything there is a season…
David’s cousin had asked him several years ago for his top ten list of songs. The cousin posted that list yesterday. This was the first song. Somewhat appropriate… gonna go cry some more now…
All Things Elda 