Another look back

Check out my year in review on Facebook.  Not a bad summary of the year’s activities… Since my marathon in June 2012, I’ve finished 10 half-marathons and been in 5 productions; a busy year for me.  But now I’m looking forward to the new year, quietly, anticipating the birth of my third grandson.  God has been gracious.

I got to spend a recent evening with special girlfriends who I don’t get to see very often (mainly because one of them moved clear across the country…).  My long-distance friend noticed I got a new tattoo on my other wrist (I had a cross tattooed on one wrist several years ago) and I shared the story of the tattoo.  I wish I could remember who I’d heard talking about the passage, but it’s Genesis 16, the story of Sarai and Hagar.  Hagar was Sarai’s servant and was given by Sarai to Abram to conceive a child to fulfill (in Sarai’s mind) God’s promise of a son.  When Hagar did get pregnant and began to despise her mistress, Sarai treated her harshly and she fled from her.  And so there she was… 

⁷ The angel of the Lord found her by a spring of water in the wilderness, the spring on the way to Shur. ⁸ And he said, “Hagar, servant of Sarai, where have you come from and where are you going?” She said, “I am fleeing from my mistress Sarai.” ⁹ The angel of the Lord said to her, “Return to your mistress and submit to her.” ¹⁰ The angel of the Lord also said to her, “I will surely multiply your offspring so that they cannot be numbered for multitude.” ¹¹ And the angel of the Lord said to her,

“Behold, you are pregnant
and shall bear a son.
You shall call his name Ishmael,
because the Lord has listened to your affliction.
¹² He shall be a wild donkey of a man,
his hand against everyone
and everyone’s hand against him,
and he shall dwell over against all his kinsmen.”

¹³ So she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her, “You are a God of seeing,” [El Roi] for she said, “Truly here I have seen him who looks after me.”

I heard that message and pondered for some time The God Who Sees me.  He sees, but He doesn’t just see.  He sees and considers and looks after me.  I may have a hard row to hoe (old Texas phrase, get over it), but He is still guiding and directing and caring for me through that hard time, whether I chose it or it chose me.  He is the faithful One to see me through.

When I told her what it was and why I got it and what it meant to me, she laughed.  She then shared that she had been thinking of God this year as El Roi, The God Who Sees.  He sees us as we are and considers and cares for us.  It surprised us both because this was the tattoo that I got on my wrist for Mother’s Day this year.  It has been significant to me as well to think of God who sees me in all my mess and madness and cares and directs my steps and delights in me, pouring out His Grace on me.

He has watched over me the past year as I have tested that grace.  I walked away from church for a while, through no fault of the church body, please understand.  More it was just a walking away to see if He would follow.  Silly of me to think He wouldn’t.  Sillier to think there is anywhere I can go that He isn’t already there, but I walked away to see what it would be like with Him… in the wilderness… on the trails and stages that I raced across all year.

I could say it wasn’t any different.  God and I talked regularly.  I felt His presence and guidance as I walked that mile or strode on that stage again and again.  I kept in touch with church family through Facebook and email.  I could say it wasn’t any different, but I’d be lying. 

It was different.  Over the course of the year and a half, I was aware of what was going on with my church family, but I wasn’t there to be witness to it firsthand.  I wasn’t able to talk with them about my conversations with God and share that good news.  I missed out on a lot and I found out I was missed.  I started going back again a couple of months ago.  It was good to see old friends face-to-face and new faces as well.  The church has grown.  It has been odd fitting back in.  Not that there has been any holding back on their part.  It’s more my pausing to see where and how I fit now.  It’s grown, remember…  I’m excited about the Perspectives course we’ll be hosting as a church.  I say we because I get to help with the registration.  I’m part of the family again.  It’s good to be a part again.  I’m sorry for walking away.  I’m grateful that God walked with me.  And as He has walked with me in my waywardness, I now, by His Grace, want to walk with Him in that Grace.  Redeemer, it is good to be home.

I heard this song earlier this year on Grey’s Anatomy and loved it of course.  It builds to such a crescendo, so powerful, overwhelming.  That’s pretty much how the year has been for me… not so much the powerful, but the overwhelming.  That’s how it feels oftentimes when you’re out in the wilderness…  It’s a good reminder though, that no matter how overwhelming things may seem, El Roi is there.  And He looks after you.