God Have Mercy

How afraid I am. Much afraid is my name.

Did I get into ministry to serve others or myself? Was it to make me feel better? Was I doing something to make you like me more? Why do I want to be involved? What is the true motive? Why aren’t I just a pew-warmer? I’m a pretty good couch potato. Why can’t I just go to church and sit there, listen and then leave? Why stick around to talk with people? I keep saying I’m not a people person. Why do I bother?

I’m not good at the superficial stuff, the chit-chat about this and that. I wonder if it’s because I spent so much of my childhood alone, playing by myself, watching others from a distance? I never learned how to socialize properly. I don’t mind performing. It’s the person-to-person interaction part that stumps me. (Mandy is a chatterer. She talks with people, she likes to chat, talk about this and that. She always has.)

“You’ll never amount to much.” I have analyzed that phrase, have prayed about it, asked God to take it away. My thorn!! That’s the thorn I want removed! But God wants to use it, instead. I don’t want to use it. I want to get over it. I don’t want to embrace it. I want to disown it, ignore it, forget it, leave it. But it’s there… lurking. I don’t ignore it. I want to prove it wrong! I want to make it see that I can amount to much!! Much of what? (“If you can’t be a good role model, then be a horrible example.” I think that’s the phrase.)

Fear of failure. Fear of being imperfect. Fear of being less than. Fear of not amounting to much. Fear of being mediocre. Less than mediocre? No, just mediocre. Being a nobody, a nothing, a face in the crowd, or worse, not even part of the crowd. Not in the picture at all. Not worth being a part. I’ve always blamed others for making me feel like an outsider, but it’s actually I who was making myself feel thus.

Jesus was an outsider, though. He had no place to call his own, even. Of course, he was God… that would alleviate any feelings of insignificance. Would there be any feelings of insignificance to alleviate…?

Father, help me. Have mercy. Don’t let me get in the way. Don’t let my feelings of insignificance get in the way. Help me to understand dependence on you, not myself. So much to do and I am so afraid.