So many times I’ve thought about writing… that great novel, a love story, a tragic love story… ok, maybe not. How about a thriller… a romantic thriller. Ok, maybe not. There’s always the non-fiction, my-life kind of story. Nothing romantic about that… just… very boring. But wait a minute. My life isn’t that boring… really, it’s not. Being born in America six months after your mother emigrated, barely surviving due to severe illnesses, living with a couple who aren’t your parents, but who raise you as their own child, even letting you use their last name, watching them both die from cancer while still a young teen, attempting suicide multiple times, rather weak attempts, but attempts nonetheless. Coming of age in the mad, sex-drugs-and rock-n-roll 70’s, shooting a man because he made you mad, spending two years in prison, meeting the most amazing peoplethere, coming to faith through the experience, or rather finding God drawing you to Himself, going back to school, getting pregnant and having the most beautiful baby girl, working, marrying, divorcing, working, raising a daughter who warned you when she was going to rebel and then watching her rebel on cue, helping her survive the rebellion, amazed that you survived it yourself, watching her find her way of faith, or rather watching God draw her to Himself, working, watching her meet the love of her life, watching them walk down the aisle as man and wife. Realizing that God is still calling, or rather has been calling… calling you to follow…not just follow… FOLLOW. Now, that’s not too boring, is it? Maybe I could write a book, add a few more details…
I want to be a person after God’s heart. I long to know and be known. Ok, He knows me, but do I know Him? Not really. I’ve let the world woo me and I’ve listened to its music, letting it drown out His soft voice. How faithless I’ve become.
What do you do when you don’t like your church anymore? It’s not that I don’t love the people who are there. To be honest, I don’t know the people there anymore. So many have come and gone, some forever. I still have friends, people whom I love, but I don’t like going to the church. There’s a tension there anymore. It lurks in the corners, just out of sight, but it’s there. You can sense it.
Things have changed there. And it’s not that things have changed that bothers me. Some of the changes are good. Things are more organized. The infrastructure has improved a bit, but the church isn’t made of infrastructure. It’s made of relationship and the relationship is strained. Seeker-sensitive… shallow is more like it. Not seeing the depth. Can I be that blind? Others have expressed similar feelings. Does that matter? Yes, and no. So hard to pinpoint. What is it? It bugs me that it consumes my energy. Distraction. It’s late, can’t think. Will write more later.
All Things Elda 